Train of Thoughts

October 30th, 2008

The train coughed outside my window. The sound suspended in the air as the train glided past. I couldn’t see it, but I could hear it close enough to touch yet too far in actual physical sense. The stars were barely visible through the blue-black sky tonight, and the moon was nowhere to be seen. I missed it, no, I longed for it to come out and grinned at me again.

I lay awake on this springy but sturdy bed of mine. Wrapping my arms around my bolster, clutching the sides of it, while I let my mind wandered. The puffy pillow seemed to decrease in size and my head sunk. The music from my laptop filled this empty, not physically but psychologically, room. I started to wish for things that maybe I should not even be thinking of. I could hear a car pulled up on the driveway. My heart raced, no, it skipped a beat, no, maybe it unintentionally braked and now it felt as though I had forgotten how to breathe. I realised after few seconds of breathlessness, I was going to start choking, any second now, any second. The car went past. Damn, I knew it. It wasn’t him, it would never be him.

I sat up on my bed, head a little dizzy from the short breathless moments. Tiptoeing so as to not make such noise in the middle of the night, I switched on the kitchen light, switched on the kettle to let the water boil, and sat down. I placed some strong aromatic tea leaves into the strainer of my newly-bought teapot. The glass glistened under the light as I was just admiring its cuteness, my teapot. Funny, I thought, I didn’t think I’d like this teapot that much. Click, the kettle made a soft clicking sound to let me know that the water was ready. I couldn’t help it, but I stared out the window as I was pouring the water into the teapot. I could feel the chill, cold as ice, caressing every part of my skin, I shivered. My mind raced back to what I read hours ago.

In the kitchen now, slowly nibbling on some soft pumpkin scones filled with sunflower seeds, I reread what I just wrote and sighed. What on earth am I writing about… or if it’s even making any sense at all.

I dread the way time has been unkind, but I hate to accept the pitiful look from your faces. I’ve kept it all to myself for quite a long while, I have to admit now. I can’t anymore. I’m one to forgive, but they are not. They claimed they are, but they’re not.

Restlessness sinking into every centimetre of my bone, making my brain spitting out things such as what I just typed above…

But I do wish, I could… jump on that train tonight and take the trip away… someplace… somewhere… up north or down south… train away… maybe someday… across the universe.

I should stop now, before this gets too much… to reread.